


Guess I'm Doin' Alright?

by Katie_Cristine43



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:20:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6338224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katie_Cristine43/pseuds/Katie_Cristine43
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know in the civil war trailer how it opens with Cap seeing Bucky in that abandoned warehouse? Yeah well this is it. Except with Kate. And sadness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guess I'm Doin' Alright?

Sargent James Buchanan Barnes. The name held different meanings for different people. To Captain America, it was friendship. Loyalty. A life long brother that had been taken out way too young to be made into something that was a disgusting blemish on a man so wholly good. To Natasha Romanoff it was a red room full of thoughts that shouldn't have been thought. To Kate Bishop it was a once broken man mended into another good man. Different from what Steve knew, but good all the same. Better in a sense. To Kate Bishop it was love. It was long nights on a couch, talking about little things, big things, and sometimes nothing.

She knew he was fragile. Knew that while he was healing, he was not quite yet whole. She knew it was selfish of her to love him. To let him love her. But nobody ever said she was a great person. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and crying. Sometimes she woke up to a cold metal hand around her throat that lead into soft sobs as the man behind beautiful eyes realized what he'd done. She never blamed him, not once. She would hold him and tuck his ever growing hair behind his ears and tell him it was alright. Because it was alright. She loved him for what he was. Not before the Winter Soldier, not even after. But all of it. Beginning, middle, and end.

But, while she knew it was okay. He knew it most certainly wasn't. It was a night where they'd been on the floor, a mountain of pillows and blankets beside the couch that let them lounge while they watched old black and white movies together. He watched her as she quoted her lines word for word, her legs tangled with his and her head on his chest. Hours and multiple movies had passed until they'd both fallen asleep like that, all wrapped up together. And while sleep had taken so long to come, it didn't take the dreams long at all. Almost immediately he was thrown into a warzone. His arm was cold against a harsh Russian winter, and his heart was colder still with all of the lies and whatever the hell it was HYDRA had pumped him full of.

He had remembered some things. Of his past life. And he wanted to remember more. But they didn't want him to. So he fought. Tooth and nail he fought them all. But he was losing. He never lost. Multiple people had pinned him down, the confines making him panic and lash out. He forced his eyes closed just as they started pulling at his arm, wiring and carefully welded metal snapping as he screamed in agony. His eyes snapped open after that, still screaming, but what he saw wasn't Hydra. Wasn't his arm being ripped from his body in such a grotesque way. No. What he saw was so much worse.

His hands were wrapped around Kate's throat again. Her eyes wide as she gripped the metal, squeaking his name out softly. Her eyes pleaded for him to let go. Showed him her love, but he couldn't. He was stuck. Her face went from red, to white, to blue and when her hands finally fell away was when Bucky was able to let go. Panic took him over again, his head pressing against her chest so he could hear a heart beat. It was there. Faintly. But it was there. Quickly he stood, calling Steve and explaining everything in one big rush of air. His friend was there in minutes. But Bucky wasn't.

Steve showed up to an empty house with a very unconscious, but still alive Kate, and a Bucky Barnes nowhere to be found. Again.

He'd been gone for months. Everyone was looking for him. Steve. Kate. All of S.H.I.E.L.D. He was a threat. He was a friend. He was a lover. They all wanted something from him. Something he couldn't give. Not anymore. Not while he was still broken. Not while he was still tainted. That's what he was after all. A tainted broken, sore excuse of a man. No- he wasn't even that. He was no man. He was a monster. He nearly squeezed the life out of the one thing that was good. The one thing that didn't tip toe around him because they thought he was a piece of porcelain. The one thing that had held onto him for what he was and not some convoluted idea. Someone that loved him for being Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier, and whatever else there was in between.

But she had still searched for him. Steve helped and they both threw off S.H.I.E.L.D. It had taken a while, but they'd finally gotten leads. A word from a friend's friend of a friend. Luckily they were right. And while Steve waited outside, his arms crossed as he stood lookout, Kate walked into the abandoned warehouse slowly. It was wide and lonely and cold and knew that it was where Buck was immediately. He always liked isolating himself when he came to something hard. It pissed her off to no end, but she knew him. And knew this was it for him.

Her footsteps echoed across the floor as she walked, her fingers shaking. She mentally scolded herself for it as she smoothed out her hair, her head shaking. No. She was strong dammit! She was a fighter and she would not be bested by the overwhelming fear of what she might find. She could deal with it. So long as he was breathing. Right?

Wrong. The sight she was met with tore her heart from her chest. Bucky sat there, his back against the wall, his arm hanging up in an uncomfortable position as it was clamped between a metal crusher. The machine was broken, obviously not enough to work against the impossible metal that was his arm. Kate nearly threw up. His hair was longer, face thinner and scruffier. He wore dirty clothes and he had an overwhelming stench of booze on him. This wasn't Bucky. This was just wrong. A perversion.

"Buck." She whispered softly, stepping forward slowly. His head lifted slowly when he heard her, and his face was anything but happy despite the small smile that pulled up his lips. "You remember me right?"

"Of course I do Kate." His voice was like broken glass. Obviously hardly used in the months of his solitude. "Never could forget you." He said it almost sadly. Almost with regret. It made her cringe. "What are you doing here?" He asked then, clearing his throat against what felt like sand and grit in his throat.

"I guess I could ask you the same thing." She snapped, her arms crossed and foot tapping a mile a minute. It wasn't in anger or impatience. No. None of that. It was to keep herself from crying. She didn't cry dammit. She was strong. She had to be strong. Not only for him but for her. "What the hell were you thinking Bucky?"

The answering laugh from him was enough to set her on edge, the sound dark and dead and not at all the beautiful sound she'd come to associate with Buck. "I was thinkin' that I'm no good for you sweetheart. I'm no good for anyone." His head hung again as he laughed, though it soon turned into a strangled sob. "I.....God I almost killed you y'know? I even knew I was killing you and I couldn't stop. My head....it's still not mine yet."

"Bullshit." She said simply, making Bucky's head snap up quickly, his eyes lighting up. That was a start. "I'm calling bullshit. Buck, I know that what you went through was hell. Was so fucked up that I can't even begin to understand it. I don't want to. But you were okay! You were getting better! You were better! You let go of so much, but then you held on just as much to other shit! Why? Because you like the torment. You like the hurt. Because it makes you feel and for so long you were stripped from that right! Well fuck that Bucky! Fuck it! There are other things than pain that you can feel! You've felt enough pain!" She ranted, her foot stomping as if she were a child.

"Love Bucky! You have so much love! Between me, and Steve, and Sam and god even fucking Thor loves you! We all do! Why...just why can't that be enough? Why can't I be enough?! I know it's selfish okay? I know that I shouldn't ask you for anything because so much has been asked of you. But dammit! You asked right back! You wanted it just as much as I did! You say you don't want to hurt me or Steve. And you hadn't. Not when your han was on my throat. Not when ou'd hit me in your sleep. No. I never once was hurt from that! But when you just.....you just LEFT me?! That is what hurt." Her voice died off at the end, her hands angrily swiping at the tears that formed on her eyes.

Buck's eyes had went from hard to soft almost instantly as she spoke, his throat feeling tight again. He waited for her rant to finish, his hand rubbing his forehead angrily. "Well....Because......" His voice broke as he talked. "Because you're too good for me. Baby girl you're so beautiful and....just.....good. I can't....I'm just not th-" He cut off as his face was slapped harshly, eyes going wide as he looked at Kate, shaking with anger.

"Stop. Stop that right now James Buchanan Barnes. You....you are a good man! You are a good man that had evil done to him. A bad man would never have made the changes you did. Would never have wanted to. But you.....you changed. You got better. You wanted to get better! You're just afraid! You're afraid that if you let go of that pain that you had that you'll forget. You'll get lost in something so good that should something bad happen you won't know what to do."

She was right. She knew it. He knew it. And she knew that he knew it. It was a harsh reality. But it was reality all the same. Head hanging again, Bucky nodded. "You're right. You're so right." He whispered, tears dripping down his face. Just as fast she had slapped him, she was in front of him wiping at his tears.

"I know I am honey. That's why I'm saying it." She said gently, tucking his hair away from his face. "You may want to try, but me? I'm not giving up on you. On this. On us. Okay? I love you far too much to let you do this to yourself." She pressed her forehead against his, slowly standing as she undid the machine that held his arm in place. She watched him move it slowly, working out the kinks he'd put in his body because of the uncomfortable position.

He stood, slowly, his legs shaking a bit. "I can't....I can't promise you nothin'. Okay? Nothin' more than me loving you. But that might not be enough okay? I can't....I can't hurt you again. I can't live with you until I know that I won't. I want this. I want us. But not until it's right. Until I'm right."

Shaking her head, Kate walked over to him, her hands grabbing the front of his shirt. "Loving me is all I want from you okay? And you won't hurt me so long as you stay. And you are right Buck. You're just right for me." SHe whispered, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "Now come on. You fucking stink and Steve is waiting outside to punch you for the month long stint you've pulled." With those words, in the first time in months, Bucky smiled.

Maybe it would be alright.


End file.
